If someone you care about is struggling…
It can be really tough when someone you care about is struggling.
You might feel worried, unsure what to say, or scared of doing the wrong thing. But just being there for a friend can mean more than you think.
This page might help you spot when a friend might be going through a hard time, and give you ideas for how to support them in a way that’s safe, kind and manageable for both of you. Because while it’s important to support others, you need to look after yourself too.
How to know if a friend is struggling?
There’s no simple way to know if someone is struggling with their mental health, because everyone reacts differently. Some people show lots of signs, while others might not show any at all. How someone deals with what they’re feeling can be shaped by lots of things – like their culture or religion, how they were raised, their beliefs, or how they’ve learned to cope in difficult times. But there are still signs you can look out for if you’re worried something’s not right.
Some changes you might notice in behaviours include:
- seeming restless, agitated, tearful or angry
- acting withdrawn or distant, like not replying to messages or avoiding people
- losing interest in things they normally enjoy
- feeling tired all the time or low on energy
- talking about feeling hopeless, worthless or trapped
- sleeping or eating much more or less than usual
- using alcohol or drugs to cope
- taking more risks than usual, like gambling or being aggressive
- struggling to keep up with daily life, like school, work or responsibilities
Sometimes it’s a life event that can cause a friend to struggle. Here are some things to look out for:
- losing someone close, through death or a relationship ending
- problems at home, like arguments or family breakdown
- stress about housing, money, school, uni or work
- bullying, abuse or neglect
Advice to help me
It can be really hard to see someone you care about struggling. But you don’t need to be an expert to support them. Often, small everyday things, like listening, checking in, or just being around, can make a big difference. If you’re worried about someone, here are some things that can help (taken from YoungMinds website):
Tell them you’re worried
This can be a gentle way to start a conversation. It shows you care, that you’re there for them, and that they don’t have to hide how they’re feeling around you.
Don’t force it
Try not to pressure your friend into opening up or getting help before they’re ready. If they don’t want to talk, that’s okay. You can let them know you’re around if they change their mind. Gently asking about how they’re feeling can help them figure out what they want to do.
Offer practical help
Sometimes little things make a big difference. You could offer to go with them to an appointment, help with small tasks like shopping, or just spend time together. Ask what they need and go from there.
Carry on as normal
Keep doing the things you usually do together, whether that’s messaging, hanging out, or just checking in from time-to-time. Acting differently might make your friend feel more isolated, so try to keep things relaxed and natural.
How to talk to a friend who’s struggling
Talking to a friend about their mental health can feel daunting, especially if you’re unsure what to say or how they’ll respond. But even small conversations can make a big difference. You don’t need to have all the answers or say the perfect thing. What matters most is that you’re there and showing that you care.
If you’re not sure where to start, these tips can help:
Set time aside somewhere quiet
Pick a time and place where you won’t be interrupted and where you both feel comfortable to chat. Some people find talking while on a walk can take the pressure off the conversation. Try to avoid busy or stressful times, and if you can, give yourself enough time so neither of you feel rushed.
Allow them to share as much or as little as they want and let them talk at their own pace. They might not be ready to open up, and that’s okay.
Don’t push for details. Just giving them space to talk shows that you care and that they can trust you. They might open up more over time.
You don’t have to fix everything – just be there to listen. Try to really hear what they’re saying without interrupting. You could reflect back what you’ve heard to show you understand, using phrases like “It sounds like…” or “It seems that…”.
Everyone is different, so ask what would be helpful for them. Let them take the lead in what they feel comfortable with.
Reassure them and show them you care
Let your friend know they’re not a burden and you’re glad they spoke to you. Keep inviting them to do the things you’d normally do together, even if they don’t always say yes. Feeling included and supported can make a big difference.
Focus on how they’re feeling, rather than trying to label or fix things. Judging or making assumptions might make them feel misunderstood or overwhelmed.
Ask open-ended questions – Try questions like “How have you been feeling lately?” or “What’s been going on for you?” These types of questions help keep the conversation going. Avoid asking “why” questions, which can feel a bit too direct or like they need to justify themselves.
Talk about self-care, If it feels right, you can gently suggest things that might help them feel more grounded, like resting, going outside, journaling or doing something creative. Don’t make it sound like a fix, just something they could try.
Let them know about other places they can get support, like their GP, a counsellor, or a helpline. Offer to help them look up services or go with them if that’s what they need.
Should I tell someone what my friend said?
If your friend is in danger, their safety comes first. That means it’s okay to tell a trusted adult, even if your friend has asked you not to. This could be a parent, teacher, doctor or someone else you trust.
You should tell someone if:
- they’ve said they want to hurt themselves or end their life
- they’re in immediate danger to themselves or others
- they’ve told you about abuse or neglect
If you can, let your friend know you’re going to tell someone. You could say something like, “I know you don’t want anyone to know, but I’m really worried about you and I don’t want you to go through this alone.”
If it’s not an emergency, it’s best to respect their privacy. But you could still encourage them to speak to someone themselves or offer to go with them to get help.
How to respond if a friend needs urgent help
Sometimes, a friend may need help urgently. This could mean they’re feeling suicidal, self-harming, or seeing or hearing things that others don’t.
You might feel unsure about what to say or do in the moment– remember that just being there can help.
What you do next depends on how urgent the situation is. Here are some steps you can take:
If they’re in immediate danger
If they have hurt themselves and need medical help, have said they’re going to end their life, or are putting themselves or others at risk, they need urgent help.
Call 999 or help them get to A&E. If you can, stay with them until they see a doctor.
If they’re not in immediate danger, but still need help
- Call NHS 111 and choose option two for urgent mental health support.
- Help them make an emergency GP appointment.
- Encourage them to call Samaritans on 116 123 (You can also send them an email at jo@samaritans.org) . If they want, you can help them make the call or sit with them while they do it. You can also call Samaritans yourself.
- If they’ve talked about a way they might hurt themselves, it can help to remove anything they could use.
If you or others feel unsafe
Call 999 and ask for the police. It’s okay to put your safety first. That’s not getting someone in trouble, it’s protecting everyone involved.
What to do and say while you’re with them
- Ask what they need: Try saying: “What do you need right now?” or “Is there anything I can do to help?” Let them tell you what feels helpful.
- Listen and stay present: Give them your full attention. Try not to interrupt, give advice or say they’re wrong. Just listen and show you care.
- Try to stay calm: Speak gently, keep your body language relaxed and stay with them if you can.
- Help them contact someone: Ask if there’s a trusted person they’d like you to call, like a parent, teacher, doctor or friend. Sometimes just knowing someone else is aware can help. And it can take the pressure off you too.
Looking after yourself
Supporting someone else with their mental health can be challenging. Your feelings are valid and it’s important to look after your own wellbeing too.
Here are some tips for looking after yourself while you look after someone else:
Set boundaries
It’s okay to say no (if you know that everyone is safe in that moment). Try to notice when things are getting too much and take a step back. You can still care about someone and take time for yourself – you’re not responsible for solving everything and that’s okay. If there are things you don’t feel able to talk about, you can let them know, and you might find that this helps them understand that you still care even if that topic is too difficult.
Share the carer role
Try not to do everything on your own – encourage your friend to talk to other people they trust, like family, other friends, or a mental health professional. You could suggest they talk to their GP or share helplines with them that they could call. You could support your friend to do this by helping them write a script to prepare for the conversation, sitting with them whilst making the phone call or, if appropriate, going with them to an appointment. The more support they have around them, the less pressure there is on you.
Talk to someone
You deserve support too. Talk to someone you trust about how you’re feeling. You don’t have to share details about your friend, just focus on how the situation is affecting your own thoughts and emotions. If you’re finding it hard to talk to someone you know, you can also call a helpline for support. HOPELINE247 are trained to give advice and support to those who are concerned for others.
Make time for yourself
Try to keep doing things that help you feel good, like hobbies, seeing friends or getting outside. You’re allowed to enjoy things, even if someone you care about is struggling. Looking after your own health means you’ll be in a better place to support someone else.